SHEENAWALDORF
Thursday, September 02, 2004
da ryde back hme evryday join these werds in ma heart...
ward yu do wen yu want evrytang?
ward yu do wen yu are styll searchyn?
ward yu do wen yu want notyn at all?
ward yu do wen yu dun even noe yu?
i want it now but then i wanna search
i know ard im doin...HOLD IT...i dont noe ward im doin...
i am sick,sick of feeling and nt feeling anyatng...
sick of tynkin and nt ynking anytang..
sick of changyn and adaptyn to everytang...
sick of fixing and mixyng tyngs...
i feel like im losyn ma mynd
i keep recallyn those days...dyas where i am Sheena
Sheena; confident and had a focus
:strong and bold yet hapie and free
i knew ward i want, where i am goin and how each step oif myne is goin to..
i knew wen i am gna fall and wen i am gna crash and continue
is thys depression?
How dos it go? and hw do yu overcome it??
im losyn weight so much..beyn anorexic and bullemic
Eatyn aint ma tyngs b8ut trowin up is ma biggie
Wantyed sumtyn new,want it now..want changes..evry inch and evry corner on me..ma hair,fashion,makeup,style and evrytang...
I wanna show sumtyn but i dunnoe ward is it..
deep dwn..i noe it exist..sumwhere in there...in between the mess..
the messs that created and produced mixed feelyngs
the mess been thumpyn...creatyn DEJAVUS to ma mynd
wobblyn ma eyes...Now does it exists???
I AINT SURE MASELF...
I need hugs and kisses and comfy and care..
ma 3 yrs,gaf me all for firt 2 yers but on the 3rd....der was notyn at all...
spent on our own..me werkyn for money and hym adaptyn to skool,we took each othe rfor granted w/o realizin dat we actuali need each other badlie...
i mae sae i regeret but it got notyn to do wif ward i fellt..its ward yu did..
i mae want yu back.....i mae not...but i hope yu realize tyngs and go wif yur feelyngs..
You knew me but yu dun cherishes me...
thard were it hurts.....and nw...im sure yull stae away frm me...
ma 1 mth came in a hurry ..he gaf me evrytang...
He gaf me the perfect warmest hugs whickh i styll feel it now and yeran for it wif teras dripppin...
he gaf the bestest smootiest kiss on ma cheek, ma forehead,neck and lips...i yearn for it badlie..but alls lost w/o a reason to swallow..
He then asked for a tyme out coz he said its too fast but he 4got he wanted it badlie at first place...
a break waz in need and it hurts deeplie..i let hym go...
i cried for weeks,months,days,hrs,minutes,seconds for days...
i lurved hym sooooooooooooo much and it hurts....
i went anorexic and bullemic,i pierced ma nose, i loose 5kg...
ma everytang of ma body is shrynkyn along goes dwn wif ma hopes and dreams...
I got no point in goin far..i feel lyke sleepin....
ma werld tumbles wen ma grany died but it sank and nvr appear nimore wen he stabed me wif a knife tru ma heart...
he sugested frens but i reject..i culdnt...i need hym...either hym or never...
i hate hym but i styll lurve hym now...
i styll cry evryday now even wen ive said ive goten over it...
i weuld want hym bck but i culdnt 4gif hym...
im lurvyn hyma nd sooo hurtyn maself deep....every inch in me...
came atall guy,a bstfren of d previous....
he had a crush first...den like den lurve... and he asked b4 meetyn...
i dint reject and i wasnt sure...dard why i told hym dun depnd on me for now...
He waz heartbroken and i had a weaknes for breakin peoples heart nt purposely...
He was so sad and he cried ..he said sorie...
but he didnt realize dat i hapent o grow fond of hym...ma lurve grew w/o me relaizyn it tyll..
i rejected the one who waited for 5 yers to be wif hym so i can noe hym better b4 rushyn...
wen im wif hym,i 4got ma heartache but i was sdcared ill strt to remebr it wen im wif hym..oficiallie...
he waz lyke me...he wants it now and he dun wan notyn getyn it d way...
ironie,hes as breakable as me...
he amke me hapie make me laugh make me act as if i was hurt b4...i was sooo hafyn fun wif hym..altho its tru the fne...
after d meet,altho hys looks was nt surprisyn...i styll lke hys smile and hys kokes...he win me over wif it..he remynds me of d 1st for 3 yrs..hw hes sociuable,and fun...
Ma frens knew looks doenst attract me dard why dey noe ill be appeasyn wen wif hym...
He was too devastated and eage rto tecover alone and wif frens but wif me along d way...
i felt hurt on how easy for me to be forgotten juz like dat...
he didnt realize ma feelyng grew and and it hurts me more w/o hym noticyn it..
den...i decided i culdnt stand in hys way..im creatyn stuffs for hym to overcome..and i decided to break d line...
hes so like d previoous...gifyn answers w/o reasons...
If he lurves me,hell try while getyn hymself hurt coz dards soo gna win me wholely...
Not stopin wen feelyn d pain/....
i open d cage an dset hym fre...i dun bother tryn and makyn hym change hys mynd...
I was hurt again....2wice bya pair of bestfrens...ma trust went.....
i need hugs an dkisses and comfy and sum1 who keep me smilin..
sum1 qwho will rush 2 me wen im sick
accompany me wen im doin ma assgnmnts
be there every second
wen im down and depressed and tyred
make me angry due to hes doings...
make me worie bout hym
cry for hym
i haf frens all aroun me...
i waz ms popualrity in skool...i got d frens arounde me...
peple like c.pa nd ana knew me...knew me too well..but sumhw dey dun noe ward im feelyn ryte now insyde..ward i need and ward i tynk on d way to skool...
its ward im telyn insyde but in ma mynd i gta live w/o it now...lurve...
i want ma smyle back ma crazy back ma confidsent back and ma bytchyn days back..
i wanan change wif sum1..nbeeed sum1..
i dun haf tyme to wait and dun nd tyme to wait..
BUT HOLD IT DERE...
i lurve dys feelyn
feelyngs of no boundaries no pit stops
no fumblyn,staggeryn,sweaty days,no worries
No fights,insecuritioes,tkayn for granted,feelin naive,vulnerable and gullible,loyalty,truth for others...
i am free..ill doo watevri wnat..i hate waityng...
i spent ma money on maslef...evrytang on me..no sacrifice...no heartaches..
i am different...childish an dbubly on d outsyde
but outspoken,open ad matured in d insyde...i dun show
im nto materialistic and streotype...
i dun lyke tyngs to go on a halt...but continue wif in perfect..everytang mus go...not messy
im differtent...diferentiate me wif d teethj hole i haf for 18 godamn yers...
i am freee....or am i??
ma heart stop beatyn wen im rfree..
i gta cry and take a deep breath to recover ...
answers and manyt questyon along d way...
styll searchyn...
i hate waityn...
but ill styll smile with tears insyde...
all dis happens on d bus ride to skoola nd way back hme...